Remus and Love
by shakespeare's sister
Summary: The terrible things jealousy can do: why Sirius told Severus about the Whomping Willow, and what happened. Slash. Finished.
1. A Confession

Sirius Black stared at the shadowy figure of Remus Lupin, who was sitting a few feet away from him. He was looking out of the window into the night sky, and, when he turned to look at Sirius, his face was full of woe.  
  
'What is it, Moony?' Sirius asked. Then he paused as he understood. 'Oh.'  
  
'Yeah. Only two more days,' Remus replied. Then he turned back and resumed his intent gaze at the white gibbous moon that hung in the black sky. Sirius resumed his gaze at his friend's untidy head, only the back of which could be seen. Then he made a decision.  
  
He walked slowly, hesitantly, up to his unhappy friend. Winding his long legs up beneath him, he joined him, sitting there on the window-seat.  
  
'It's not so bad is it. now?' he asked quietly. 'I mean, with Prongs and Wormtail and me. We do make it better, don't we?'  
  
The pleading note was clear in his voice to Remus, although someone else may not have noticed it. To Hogwarts in general, Sirius Black was either a handsome, self-confident flirt, a self-obsessed, stuck-up tease or a vicious tormenter. No one apart from the three Marauders had heard Sirius being less than completely confident. And no one apart from Remus had ever heard Sirius, insecure, pleading for reassurance.  
  
Remus nodded. How could he do otherwise? And it was the truth; having his friends with him throughout his transformation made a huge difference. He actually enjoyed the nights they spent roaming the Hogwarts grounds. But still, nobody seemed to quite understand what it meant to be a full-blown monster once a month. His three friends, despite being Animagi, were still themselves when they transformed. They couldn't possibly comprehend what it would be like to just lose control, to have a night you had no memory of, to be capable of anything. of murder. He shuddered involuntarily. Sirius was sitting so close to him that he felt the tremor rather than saw it.  
  
'Moony. Remus. if you want to. to talk, about anything I mean. you know I'll always be here to listen. I know I can't understand what it's like, you must feel alone, but you're not, you're not. I'll always be here for you.' Sirius felt like he'd lost control of his tongue, that he was being indiscreet, but he couldn't stop himself.  
  
'Re, you're a good person. a great person, and the wolf doesn't change that. It's something beyond your control; it's not your fault. You're just the same as anyone else,' he babbled, while his mind screamed, "no he's not! You're lying! How can he be the same? You know how much better he is than everyone else!"  
  
Remus smiled sadly. 'Thank you Sirius. It's nice to know someone feels like that about, well, an evil dark creature.'  
  
'Re! You're not! So don't say you are!'  
  
'Well what am I then?' Remus said dully.  
  
Sirius took a deep breath. "Come on lad, stay in control," he thought. 'Well, you're Moony, one of the four Marauders who make the best mischief this school's ever seen, and you're Remus, who's kind and thoughtful and honest and responsible and clever. and a prefect,' he added with his teasing little sideways grin that melted the hearts of all the girls in the school though he never noticed. Remus returned the grin shyly, and Sirius carried on. 'You're brave, you deal with... things... really well; you're not resentful or angry. You've got a wicked sense of humour, you're dependable, you always have good ideas. If I had a problem, a serious one, I'd come to you first because I know you'd make the effort to understand,' Sirius was flushed now with the sincerity of his outburst, and also with embarrassment, and decided to try a bit of levity. 'Oh, and you always have Chocolate Frogs when anyone needs one!'  
  
He smiled, but wouldn't meet Remus' eyes. How could he? He knew that that would tip him over the edge; he'd say things that would embarrass Remus, make him uncomfortable, maybe even drive him away. The thought of never being with Remus again like this terrified him. But why? He thought he knew, or at least he would know if Remus had been a girl. But he was his friend, one of his best friends. No, he didn't really understand, and he wouldn't have been able to explain to anyone. His blush deepened. Because his eyes were downcast, he didn't notice Remus regarding him curiously but affectionately.  
  
'Hey Padfoot,' Remus said quietly. 'What're you looking at?'  
  
Sirius' head jerked up and he became, if possible, even redder. It was a most unusual sight, Sirius being disconcerted, and Remus didn't really have a clue what was wrong with his friend.  
  
'Uh, I er.' he stammered. Remus laughed, but kindly.  
  
'What's wrong with you Padfoot? You come over all sentimental on me, telling me how great I am, which, by the way, I appreciate more than you'll ever know, and then you go a violent shade of pink.' His tone suddenly changed. 'Are. are you sick, d'you think? How do you feel?' The concern in his voice was evident. 'Do you want to go and see Madam Pomfrey?'  
  
'No, I'm okay Re. Just, er, suddenly felt a bit hot. But I'm fine now.'  
  
Remus just nodded, his eyes unreadable. "Damn you Moony! How can you be so mysterious all the time?" Sirius thought. He had no way of knowing, but Remus was thinking exactly the same thing about him at that moment. "What's wrong with you Sirius? I know you're not ill. So what exactly is going on?"  
  
There was an awkward silence. Neither boy understood what was going on, but both felt uncomfortable as they stared into each other's eyes.  
  
Sirius cracked first. He looked down again, trying to make sense of things and failing miserably. He suddenly felt he had to get away from Remus, from those golden eyes that made him feel exposed, as though he were a book that Remus had read a thousand times before and knew intimately, whereas to him Remus was still an enigma.  
  
He hastily tried to get down from the seat, but his legs got tangled in his robes and Sirius Black, that poised and graceful heart throb, found himself falling heavily to the ground with a resounding thud. He scrambled back up, still with tangled robes, and fled as though a werewolf was chasing him.  
  
Remus watched this performance, completely mystified. Where was Sirius going? He felt no urge to laugh when he'd fallen off the seat as Sirius's panic and desperation to flee was palpable. "But why does he want to get away from me so badly?" he thought miserably. "Does he regret saying all those things to me? Was he lying? I think there must be something wrong with him at the moment. But shall I go after him? I think I'd only make it worse by being with him," he concluded unhappily. He decided to leave the warm classroom and go outside, have a walk around the grounds.  
  
Meanwhile, Sirius was still running frantically. He didn't really know where he was going, but after a while found himself at the Fat Lady who guarded the entrance to the Gryffindor tower. He gasped the password, 'butterbeer', and raced up the stairs to the dormitories, past the open common-room door.  
  
His best friend, James Potter, saw him run past and was intrigued. Sirius was usually very sociable. Why would he want to go up to the dorm? Perhaps he'd just gone to get something and would be back down in a few moments.  
  
Five minutes passed, and James decided to go upstairs and see where he'd got to. Making his excuses to the crowd of girls he'd been chatting with, he grabbed his half-full bottle of butterbeer and headed off up the stairs.  
  
He paused outside the dormitory door and was surprised and concerned to hear muffled sobs and muttering coming from inside. Was Sirius alone? He knocked hesitantly and then walked slowly in.  
  
'Sirius?' he asked. The curtains round Sirius's bed were all closed, but that was definitely where the crying was coming from. James repeated 'Sirius?' louder, and he heard some attempts to stifle the crying.  
  
'Yeah?' a would-be nonchalant voice replied.  
  
'Sirius, I can hear you. Can I... d'you mind if I come in?'  
  
There was a silence, and then a small voice said, ''kay.'  
  
James pulled back the heavy curtain a bit and slipped inside. His friend was curled up on his side on his bed. His heavy black hair was all over his face. His shoulders were shaking with the effort of holding back sobs.  
  
'God, Sir, what's the matter?' he said, and thought "I've never seen you cry before, Padfoot; what's going on?" He kicked off his shoes and sat cross-legged on the end of the bed, looking down at his pitiable friend. "I wish Moony was here! He's much better at this than me," he thought.  
  
'Are you sick Sir? Shall I go and get someone?'  
  
Sirius shook his head emphatically.  
  
'Well, what about Moony? Shall I go and get him?'  
  
The next moment, he wondered what on earth was going on when Sirius sat up and grabbed him by the shoulders. 'Not Moony, no!'  
  
'Hey, hey, it's okay, if you don't want him I won't get him. Is that what all this is about? Have you two had a fight or something?' James asked, slightly relieved to have something to go on, but still unsure. Remus was the most peaceable person he knew. He would only ever get involved in an argument if someone was being mistreated. Sirius was fierier but still only ever got involved in fights with Slytherins, or teachers he didn't care for.  
  
'N-n-no,' Sirius said, his breathing ragged.  
  
'Well, what?' James asked, his words seeming impatient but his voice kind. 'If you tell me, Padfoot, I'll try and help. Is it something at home?'  
  
Sirius shook his head decisively. James looked at him expectantly.  
  
'I'm sorry, Jamie, I don't think I can tell you. I think you'll hate me. Don't worry, though, it's not really important.'  
  
'Sirius, please. You can't not tell me now. You know I won't hate you, you're my best friend. You can tell me anything, I won't judge you, I'll just listen. And how can it not be important, when you're in such a state?'  
  
Sirius seemed to crumple mentally. His shoulders slumped and he looked defeated. 'Okay Prongs, you win. But please, you've got to promise not to hate me. or despise me,' he said.  
  
'I promise Sir.'  
  
'Okay, well. Right. Uh. you know you're in love with Lily? How did you know? You just did, right?'  
  
James nodded, wondering what was coming.  
  
'Well, you knew she felt the same way, didn't you?'  
  
James nodded again.  
  
'Imagine that you thought you were in love with someone who could never love you back, ever. And if anyone knew you loved this person, they'd be horrified and disgusted. And so you couldn't tell anyone, you just had to carry this knowledge round with you all the time, never being free of it. but the worst thing is, not being able to tell that person how you feel, in case you drive them away. You care too much to risk losing them.' Tears fell down Sirius's cheeks and his voice broke on the last word.  
  
James's hazel eyes were soft with sympathy. 'But Sirius, why would anyone be angry that you loved them? All the girls in the school fancy you, y'know. Okay, all the others will be disappointed, but not disgusted. Whoever she is, she's a very lucky girl. And even if she doesn't love you back, I know she'll be happy that you love her. is it Lily? Don't worry, I don't mind. So who is she? Is she a Gryffindor?'  
  
'Don't you understand James? It's not a girl. It's Remus.'  
  
'Sirius, what on earth are you on about? What's this all got to do with Remus? Who the bloody hell is it you're in love with?' There seemed to be a slight note of desperation in James' voice. Sirius had anticipated his friend having trouble accepting his words, but he hadn't expected complete denial.  
  
'James. I love Remus. I love him.'  
  
'But - he's a bloke? And so are you? I mean. what's going on?' James' voice was questioning. Then his tone changed. 'Very funny Padfoot, almost had me going there. Hahaha! You in love with Moony! Hahaha!' His laughter was strained.  
  
'James, please, this isn't a joke. Please. Keep your voice down.'  
  
'No, you wouldn't want anyone knowing your sordid little secret, would you?' James spat. 'You want to keep it secret so you can keep watching Moony, and he - he won't ever know that you're looking at him in that way. Poor Moony. How could you do something like this to him? You know how hard things are for him. You shouldn't. this is unnatural. I'm going to tell him-'  
  
'James, no!' Sirius said violently. 'This isn't your secret to tell. I never meant to hurt Re, I didn't, and I won't. This has to stay between the two of us, no matter how much you might despise me for it. I didn't think you'd understand. I should never have told you. I'm sorry, I didn't want any of this to happen, it just did, and I wouldn't have told you, but you kept asking. I thought it might be a relief to just let it out. Yes, I love Remus, and I don't want to hurt him, far from it. I know he won't ever feel the same way so I'm not going to tell him. I just want to look after him. Be his friend. It's not like you think; I don't. don't lust after him or anything. I think he's beautiful, but it's not just some quick fuck I'm after. I just want to be with him.' He sat defiantly on the bed, shoved his black hair out of his eyes, set his jaw.  
  
James thought for a few moments. 'Right. I won't tell anyone. But it's not to protect you. It's for Moony. He doesn't need. something like this. But I swear to God, if I see you. forcing him. to do anything he doesn't want to. I'll kill you. I will.' He stared at his best friend, sitting there in front of him. Tears were gathering again in his black eyes and he felt his own hazel ones prickle. 'You disgust me, Black,' he snarled, before striding out of the dormitory.  
  
Sirius sat very still at this parting shot. He should have expected it, perhaps, but the eternal optimism that was part of his nature had led him to think that maybe James would understand. But no. He thought he was some sort of deviant, that there was something wrong with him. How could love, real love, be wrong? And he loved James too, not in the way he felt about Remus, but James was his best friend. Remus was something different.  
  
A confused and lonely boy sat there on the bed. His resolve crumbled and he began to cry again, not stormily, but quietly, hopelessly.  
  
A boy who was just as confused, but also fairly furious, was walking swiftly down the passageway out of the Gryffindor tower. He couldn't face any of his many friends in the crowded common room. What did Sirius think he was playing at, falling in love with Moony? "Although I s'pose I never chose to fall in love with Lily," the small rational part of his brain insisted. "But that's different. She's a girl! And she's gorgeous and funny and clever and independent and." He drifted off into Lily-dreams for a few minutes before his mind jerked back to Sirius and his extraordinary confession. He tried to recapture the indignation and disgust he had felt when Sirius told him, but found that he couldn't. Even just thinking about Lily had the effect of calming him down, making him a nicer person.  
  
"Sirius is all alone and upset, and I just made things a hundred times worse for my best friend," he thought. "I still don't understand why it's a boy - Moony! - that he reckons he's in love with, but he's still the same Sirius. I just haven't seen this side of him before. And it's not like anything will happen between them. I'm sure he'll just go back to normal soon. But," his insides gave a bit of a squirm, "I was a real bastard to him. I think I need to talk to him again."  
  
Hoping Sirius was still in the dormitory, he raced back to the portrait of the Fat Lady, gasped the password ('Nearly-Headless Nick!') and pelted up the stairs. He burst into the dorm. Things were just as he'd left them. Everyone's curtains except Sirius's were open, and behind Sirius's closed ones he could stifled crying sounds again. He yanked them open and, stepping inside, shut them slightly more carefully.  
  
His friend was looking up at him with eyes that looked full of pain. "And part of that is my fault," James's conscience admonished him.  
  
'Sir, I'm sorry, I am, it's just that it was a bit of a shock - well, a lot of one and I wasn't expecting it at all, and I don't properly understand how it is you can be in love with a bloke, let alone Moony, but you're my best friend and we have to stick together, right? And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was a shit and I deserve for you to just hate me but I really really hope you don't.'  
  
Sirius smiled through his tears. 'Thanks,' he whispered.  
  
After a small hesitation, James walked over to him, sat on his bed, hugged him tightly. Sirius hugged back, and gave him something like his old grin.  
  
As the two boys fought over him, apologised and forgave, Remus Lupin was wandering by the lake. The stars that burned steadily above glimmered in the dark waters of the moat. The moon, just a ball of rock that reflected light from the sun. but had such power over Remus, shone white and serene overhead and in the moat. Remus thought bitterly that one moon was bad enough, but two.  
  
He shook his head. God knows how many hours he'd spent in his life staring at the moon, compelled yet fearful. He'd wasted so much time and energy thinking about it, hating it. And besides, he had other things on his mind at the moment.  
  
Foremost among his thoughts was, as it so often was these days, Sirius Black. He definitely had been acting strangely recently, but running away upset for no reason was the weirdest thing he'd done to date.  
  
'What's going on with him?' Remus wondered aloud.  
  
A tiny but insistent voice that wouldn't be silent suggested a possible explanation - but no. Remus ignored it. Implausible. Not worth considering. But still it persisted, and try as he might, Remus couldn't get rid of it. Eventually his usually well-restrained temper flared.  
  
'Shut up, shut up! Stop thinking that, Lupin you idiot! You'll only get let down worse.' he yelled desperately, but then grinned ruefully. Anyone who'd heard him would think he'd lost it completely, yelling at his own subconscious.  
  
He pulled a couple of Chocolate Frogs from his pocket and devoured them with relish. Sirius was right about that at least when he was describing me he thought, amused, and then lost himself for a while in dreamy consideration of what his friend had said about him before he ran off. Then, shivering slightly, he decided he'd had enough introspection for one night, and headed back to the warmth of the castle. He was looking forward nervously to seeing Sirius. but he hoped he'd calmed down.  
  
As the young werewolf hurried through the candle-lit passages of Hogwarts, his eyes were fixed on the floor. He was practising.  
  
'Hey Sir, are you okay now?' caringly, then-  
  
'Sir, you better?' slightly mockingly, then more jokingly-  
  
'I hope you've recovered, Mr Padfoot' and finally, slightly desperately, pleadingly-  
  
'Hey Sir, what on earth's going on with you?'  
  
He rejected his conversation openings one by one as he all but ran along the corridors. He didn't see a dark-haired figure looming up in front of him.  
  
'Oh!' Remus gasped as someone caught him firmly by the shoulders. Then 'Oh' again, in a tone of recognition. 'Hello Severus. How're you?'  
  
The Slytherin fifth-year smiled genuinely.  
  
'Fine thanks. You?'  
  
'Yeah, 'm okay. What're you up to?'  
  
'I was just heading up to the library for some last-minute Transfiguration revision. McGonagall's set us some horrendous test for tomorrow.'  
  
Remus groaned sympathetically. 'That's a bit of a bugger. Guess we've got that to look forward to as well.'  
  
Severus laughed. 'I'll let you know if it was as bad as I think it's going to be.'  
  
Remus smiled. 'Thanks, that'd be great!'  
  
What happened next was so fast and unexpected that for a second Remus's brain simply refused to believe it.  
  
Remote, aloof Severus Snape caught Remus's face between his long white hands, gently but passionately. He leaned down and brushed a quick, feathery light kiss on Remus's still-smiling lips. Then he recoiled as if he'd been stung and blushed red, two spots of colour burning his pale cheeks.  
  
'S-s-sorry,' he stammered before turning on his heel and running.  
  
Remus stood there, too shell-shocked to do anything but dazedly touch his lips with his own fingertips as if to try to feel the kiss that had been planted there. After standing stock-still for a few moments, he started to wander slowly to the Gryffindor tower. His mind was racing.  
  
Severus. Just. Kissed. Me. he thought, consciously trying to articulate each word firmly and separately. It didn't really help.  
  
God, why?' What'm I going to do? What'm I going to say to him? I like him, I think he's handsome, yeah, I think he's attractive even if he is a boy. but then, I couldn't lie to him, and I can't reciprocate his. feelings. because of-  
  
'Password, dear?' the Fat Lady said sweetly. She was fond of Remus; he was quiet, polite and considerate, unlike some of the tower's other inhabitants.  
  
Remus mumbled the password and disappeared up the stairs.  
  
'Well, that was most unlike him. Remus Lupin is usually a very nice boy. I think that's the only time he's never said "thank you",' the Fat Lady said irritably.  
  
'Did you see his eyes dear? Girl trouble, I reckon,' said her visiting friend, a tiny plump woman in a black and white striped gown, circa 1700.  
  
And with that, the two portraits began a most agreeable discussion about their youthful love affairs.  
  
As Remus climbed the stairs to the dormitory he began to feel nervous and sick. His stomach felt like it was tied in knots, and he'd almost forgotten about Severus's kiss, surprising as that was, with the anticipation of facing Sirius.  
  
He walked in to find his three fellow Marauders sitting on their beds. James was animatedly discussing the Gryffindor Quidditch team's chances of winning the House Cup this year with an adoring Peter and a subdued Sirius. As he entered the room they broke off their conversation. He sensed Sirius looking nervously at him, but James seemed to be watching Sirius. Remus raised his eyebrows but decided to ignore the distinctly peculiar atmosphere present.  
  
'Hello you lot,' he grinned, his tone determinedly hearty.  
  
'And where have you been?' James asked jokily.  
  
'Oh, just went for a wander round the moat, y'know,' Remus said.  
  
'Alone?' James asked.  
  
'Yeah. So what've you lot been doing while I've been out?'  
  
'Not a lot. Just talking Quidditch,' James said. Remus couldn't read the look on his friend's face. It almost seemed like James was uncomfortable, or hiding something, or confused and curious at the same time. It made Remus nervous.  
  
'Are you okay Sir?' he asked, looking properly at his silent friend for the first time. He could see tear stains on Sirius's cheeks. Sirius crying? God, what's going on?  
  
'Yeah,' Sirius mumbled.  
  
Remus's every fibre longed to go and sit on Sirius's bed with him, make him tell him what had happened to upset him so he, Remus, could make everything alright. But his very presence seemed to be agitating Sirius, so he reluctantly went over to the corner of the room and sat on his own bed.  
  
'Actually, I'm glad you're all here,' he said after a moment. 'Something weird just happened. I was walking along the third floor corridor, y'know, the one near Professor Flitwick's classroom, and I bumped into Severus.' James made a derogatory noise which Remus ignored. 'Well, we were just chatting about Transfiguration and he was saying McGonagall had set a test, just normal stuff,' James rolled his eyes, 'yeah James, chatting,' Remus said, his voice indulgent, 'and you don't want to do that, the wind might change.' Sirius laughed quietly and Remus felt a glow like warm honey spreading through him. Suddenly he felt intensely curious about his friends' reactions to the news he was about to break.  
  
'So, we were talking, and he said he'd warn me about what was on the test, and then - he kissed me.'  
  
Remus sat back and watched his friends in their disbelief. He could all too clearly read the scorn and revulsion on Peter's face, the amusement and then concern on James's and - what on Sirius's? Pure hatred? Remus suddenly felt afraid. The look on Sirius's face was frightening in its intensity.  
  
'Er, Remus, he didn't force you or anything? I mean, you're okay, aren't you? if that bastard hurt you.' James threatened vaguely.  
  
'No, it was fine. I mean, unexpected, but not unpleasant,' Remus said dryly. 'Severus wouldn't hurt me anyway.'  
  
James looked sceptical but said nothing.  
  
'But - but he's. that's disgusting! I mean, a bloke kissing another bloke!' Peter said shrilly. James shot the quickest of glances at Sirius and saw the pain on his face, though neither of the others did. Peter continued, 'And Remus, why aren't you angry at him? It's unnatural!' he concluded loudly.  
  
The other three all appeared disconcerted by this outburst. For Peter to speak spontaneously was rare enough, let alone for him to voice his own opinion, and not one that James had already spoken about.  
  
'Well,' Remus said hesitantly, 'it might not be normal, but I certainly don't think it's disgusting. I know you all hate Severus, but I don't. I just,' a pink flush started to spread over his face, 'don't quite know how to deal with it. I mean, I don't. I can't. he's a really good friends but no. no more. I s'pose I have to talk to him.'  
  
His face looked so horrified that James would have laughed if he hadn't know that now was definitely not the time for levity.  
  
'Just tell him that,' Sirius said quietly. 'If he really - likes - you, then he'll accept that. He won't want to make you do anything you don't want. And I think you've got good judgement about people. If you trust him. then I think he deserves it.'  
  
Remus went even pinker. He wanted to scream. He opened his mouth to say something, he didn't know what, but Peter jumped in first.  
  
'Remus, you should go to Professor Dumbledore,' he said earnestly. 'This sort of thing is too weird - wrong - and Snape needs help or something.' He ignored the scoffs of James and carried on, 'I don't understand how you all can take this so calmly - as if it was normal - as if Snape was a girl! He's not! He must be perverted!'  
  
'Peter. you don't understand. how could you? when you love someone. it's not what they are, it's who they are that matters. Love is love, whatever' Sirius said. His voice was trembling with some intense emotion. He stood up and walked in a dignified way out of the dormitory, but the three left inside could hear him break into a run as soon as he'd shut the door.  
  
Remus cast a questioning look at James, who didn't look particularly puzzled by this outburst, just concerned. However, he decided to say nothing in front of Peter, and was racking his brains for an excuse to get James on his own as Peter spoke.  
  
'I've got to go, told Joanne I'd meet up with her,' he said smugly. Remus felt an urge to kiss Joanne, a short, fat, fourth-year Hufflepuff, for getting Peter out of the way.  
  
'Okay Pete. See you later,' James said casually.  
  
'Yeah, bye,' Remus added.  
  
They watched Peter leave the room and heard his footsteps echo down the stairs in silence. Then they turned and looked at each other.  
  
'James,' Remus said finally, 'you don't agree with Peter do you? I mean, about going to Dumbledore. and about. y'know. me and Severus both being. male. and. well. it being sick? Do you?'  
  
James sat and looked steadily at Remus.  
  
'No, I don't think you should go to Dumbledore. And for what it's worth, much as I hate Snape, I don't think it's wrong that he, well, fancies you. At least the boy has taste!' he said wryly.  
  
Remus smiled shakily.  
  
'I'm worried about Sirius, though,' he said. 'What he was saying. is he in love, d'you think?' His heart was in his mouth.  
  
'I think. yeah. I do,' James said.  
  
'In love with someone. unlikely?' Remus asked.  
  
'Er - I can't talk to you about this, Moony,' James said finally. 'I promised I wouldn't. But maybe you should talk to him - I mean, you're good at talking to people and stuff. I think he's unhappy and confused.'  
  
'But why hasn't he talked to me?' Remus all but wailed.  
  
'I don't know, Moon,' James lied uncomfortably. Remus could sense the lie but decided not to press things further.  
  
'Well, I've got work to do, I'm going to the library,' Remus said. He wanted to be alone.  
  
'Yeah, I'm going to the common room to see if Lily's there,' James said. Remus laughed, a sudden change of mood.  
  
'She'll crack one day, mate! You're a fine catch!' He winked exaggeratedly, grabbed some books and went out of the dormitory, leaving James absent-mindedly trying to flatten his hair whilst mending his always- broken glasses with Spellotape.  
  
He groaned. 'What is going on with everyone at the moment?' he asked dramatically of the empty room.  
  
'Young sir, I fear that your young counterparts, and you yourself, are experiencing the pangs of love and the eternal and constant confusions of adolescent youths the world over,' replied the old-fashioned looking witch on the front of a book on Healing on Remus's bedside table.  
  
James yelled in frustration. 'It was a rhetorical question!' he shouted before abandoning his preparations and storming out of the room.  
  
'I think you should have kept quiet, Alata,' commented the wizard standing next to her on the front cover. They exchanged knowing looks before resuming an argument on the properties of belladonna that had been going on for centuries. 


	2. An Eventful Evening

The four Marauders didn't see each other until the next morning. Whether by accident or design, they went into the dormitory one by one, each having long enough to get ready for bed and fall asleep before the next came upstairs. Peter came first, followed by James, then Remus, and finally, at about 2am, Sirius Black.  
  
He had spent the evening sitting in a remote classroom alone, looking at the stars. Beneath his careless exterior, he was really intrigued and captivated by them and would happily read astronomy books for hours. Only in private though: he had the reputation for being effortlessly brainy and too cool for studying to maintain. Remus was the only one who ever really saw this hidden side of him - James and Sirius may have been best friends, but in a way that put more pressure on Sirius to 'perform'. He didn't have to perform for Remus.  
  
James woke up first. He woke the others by singing loudly as he got dressed: 'Love Potion' by the Whizbees. James was a boy of many talents, but singing wasn't one of them. For a few minutes, things seemed back to normal as Wormtail, Padfoot and Moony teased Prongs and pelted him with pillows. However, the moment passed, and as the four walked down to breakfast things felt very awkward. Sirius wasn't speaking at all, peter wouldn't shut up about Joanne, and James and Remus were unusually uproarious. Their good spirits seemed brittle and false though, to cover up the gaps left by Sirius's silence. All four were thankful when they finished eating and split up for lessons. Remus had Herbology, James Care of Magical Creatures, Sirius Astronomy and Peter a free period as he was taking fewer OWLs than his friends.  
  
Remus's relief at leaving his friends was short-lived when he remembered Severus Snape would be in his Herbology lesson. He walked as slowly as he could, arriving late, and slipped into a seat at the front without catching anyone's eye. Thankfully the lesson was all theory, and he sat making diligent notes about Mediterranean water plants and their properties he looked as though he was concentrating hard on what Professor Applebaum was saying, but he was writing on autopilot. Rereading his notes later on, he couldn't remember writing a word.  
  
Eventually the bell rang. He packed his quill, parchment and books slowly away, his mind elsewhere. He was brought rudely back to the present by someone saying his name.  
  
'Remus,' his head jerked up. Severus Snape was standing a few feet away from him. Apart form them, the classroom was empty.  
  
'Remus, er, do you have a free now?' Snape asked.  
  
Remus nodded.  
  
'I need to talk to you,' Snape said hoarsely. Behind a curtain of hair, haunted black eyes were piercing into Remus's consciousness. He didn't want to have this conversation, but knew it was inevitable.  
  
'I'm - I'm sorry about - last night. I can understand if you don't ever want to talk to me again. I shouldn't have done what I did, I know. I suddenly couldn't help myself. Sorry.'  
  
'It's okay Severus,' Remus said gently. 'I don't mind.'  
  
The look of sudden joy on Snape's face was almost pitiful. It seemed like a barrier had been removed, and before Remus could continue, to say what he had to, Snape began to talk.  
  
'Remus, I knew it, I knew that you wouldn't mind, I mean, you wouldn't hate me, so I have something to tell you. I love you Remus Lupin and I don't care what anyone thinks. I've never met anyone like you. I'd do anything for you, anything at all. I think you're beautiful and just perfect, perfect,' Snape's voice trembled as he made his confession.  
  
Remus just stood and stared. Finally he spoke.  
  
'I'm sorry Severus. But I don't love you as anything except a friend. I can't - do this-' He ran out of the room, tears running down his face. Severus stood in the deserted room and wept; quiet, dignified.  
  
Remus raced to the nearest boys' toilets. He locked himself in a cubicle and admonished himself in a furious whisper.  
  
'What on earth do you thingk you're doing, running away from him like that? He's got courage you can't even imagine, and you a bloody Gryffindor. You don't even deserve to be here. You certainly don't deserve to have someone feel like that about you.' He carried on muttering to himself, not hearing the door open.  
  
As soon as he opened the door, Sirius Black could hear the voice of the one he loved. Remus sounded angry and upset, but at who? There was no one else in here. He cleared his throat to warn Remus of his presence. The muttering stopped dead.  
  
'Er, Sir?' a disembodied voice asked.  
  
'Yeah, 's me,' Sirius replied. Shit. Alone with Remus.  
  
'Sir, I have to talk to someone - about Snape - please?'  
  
'Okay, let me in.'  
  
The door swung open. Remus was standing there. His face was pale, his eyes red and his hair wild from his habit of digging his hands in it and pulling whenever he was agitated.  
  
Sirius immediately forgot his confusions and fears, and just grabbed Remus, hugging him. The smaller boy collapsed into Sirius's arms for a few seconds before he pulled himself together and drew back from his friend.  
  
'Why are you crying Re? Who made you cry? Was it Snape - is this his fault?' Sirius demanded furiously.  
  
'I'm just being pathetic,' Remus said, trying to return to his usual sensible self.  
  
Sirius shook his head. 'No Re, I doubt it. Tell me.'  
  
'Severus told me - he said he loved me.' Remus wouldn't meet Sirius's eyes.  
  
'He didn't - force you - to do anything - did he? Hurt you?'  
  
'Nope. Just said he - well, said that.'  
  
'But why are you crying? I mean - someone loving you - that's nice, isn't it? Even if it is Snape.'  
  
'No Sir, it's not that. It's just -' Remus seemed to be struggling to make a decision. He lifted his strange golden eyes and saw Sirius looking at him. In that moment, he knew he could trust his friend.  
  
'I'm jealous. Of Severus. He's in love - and he's done something about it. He's brave enough to let me know everything. He just told me what he'sfeeling - was honest.' Sirius felt as if he himself was being criticised for his secrecy before Remus said, 'I wish I was brave enough to tell the person I love how I feel. But no, not me. Too scared. You're the first I've told.'  
  
Sirius felt as though he was freefalling.  
  
'Who - who is it?' he gasped.  
  
The gold of Remus's eyes grew misty and frustrated tears filled his eyes. 'I can't do it. I'm sorry Sir. I shouldn't be a Gryffindor. Sometimes - sometimes I just wish I was dead.'  
  
'oh, God, Remus - oh God-' Sirius stammered inarticulately.  
  
'I do Sirius. And Severus has made it even clearer why - why I hate myself. It's not the wolf. It's the inability to do - what I should. That person - they deserve to know how I feel - I'm lying to them by not telling them.'  
  
'Why can't you tell them? You've told me - I mean, it's not Lily is it?' Remus shook his head. 'Well then, who? Who could be so bad that you can't even tell me?'  
  
'Please don't ask Sir. I don't want to talk about this anymore.'  
  
Sirius got up wordlessly and went out of the cubicle. Remus followed and watched what he was doing, confused for the first few seconds before being overcome with gratitude and - what else?  
  
Sirius was using his considerable Transfiguration ability. He turned two toilet rolls into big earthenware mugs, and then a couple of bars of soap into teabags, before shooting boiling water from the end of his wand into firs tone mug, then the other. He fished out the teabags gingerly with his wand before transfiguring them into little Muggle plastic pots of milk which he emptied into the mugs. Then he handed one of the mugs to Remus and picked one up himself.  
  
'You don't drink tea,' Remus stated.  
  
'Well, you like it, so it must be worth a try,' Sirius said half-seriously. He took a sip but grimaced as he swallowed quickly and hung his tongue out of his mouth, panting 'hot, hot!'  
  
Remus laughed at him. 'Put your tongue away Padfoot!'  
  
Sirius grinned back. 'Well, Moony loony loopy Lupin,' he teased, earning himself the amusing sight of Remus swiping at him as he dodged the blows. 'What do you want to do in our free Re? Free Re Re freemee Remy free. hehe,'  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. 'I don't know Sirius. Oh -' his face fell. 'I have to see Severus. I'm sorry. He deserves any apology.'  
  
Sirius wasn't about to argue with Remus and his friend's strict sense of decency, even though he personally felt the only things Snape deserved were ritual public humiliation and a smack in the chops.  
  
'I'll come Re, wait a little way away, and then we can go off somewhere afterwards.'  
  
Remus looked dubious but acquiesced. He quickly washed the dried tears off his face with icy water, which made his cheeks glow pink. He turned to Sirius, shaking his dishevelled hair back, wiping his face on his robes. Sirius felt his heart constrict but desperately held onto his composure.  
  
'Ready - let's get this over,' Remus said briskly.  
  
They walked quickly back to the Herbology room. Sirius carried on walking a little way, and turned a corner.  
  
'Right,' Remus said. He breathed in shakily and walked in through the open door. Severus Snape was still standing in there. His eyes were closed.  
  
'Er - Severus?'  
  
his eyes snapped open, big black eyes. The pupils blended into the iris completely which added to Snape's striking appearance.  
  
'Remus,' he said pleadingly.  
  
'Severus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't've run off. And I'm sorry. I don't love you. I wish I did. But I don't -'  
  
Severus let out a quiet wailing moan. He sounded as though he was in terrible pain. He moaned again and broke into tears. Remus sprang forward and was hugging him before he knew it himself.  
  
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't do that Severus, I'm sorry -'  
  
Severus detached himself with dignity.  
  
'We aren't so different, Remus Lupin. We're both hiding things. one day I'll know you properly. I'll know where it is you go when you disappear. I want to know everything about you, your life.'  
  
Remus shivered, though the room was not cold.  
  
'I could see love in you, shining out of you, and as much as I hoped, I knew it wasn't for me. I know who it is Remus. And I know we have something else in common - some sort of unnatural - attraction - to males, instead of females. Yes? You don't bother denying it.  
  
'I can't deny, Remus Lupin, that I've become obsessed with you,' Snape continued, his strange eyes wide and staring with fanaticism. 'I find the idea of you in Black's possession, in his arms, very difficult to take. But I know that, honest and brave you may be, you wouldn't tell him and risk losing him. So I suppose you'll be alone. Like me - like me.' He turned and walked out of the room.  
  
Remus's legs were shaking. He pulled out a chair and sat carefully down. "How does he know about Sirius? And why does he want to know about me? What's he going to do?" he thought confusedly.  
  
Snape stalked down the corridor. His mind was distracted; he didn't see Sirius Black at all. A rough voice interrupted his reverie and he immediately tried to erect the Snape mask of scornful indifference.  
  
'What are you doing to my Remus, Snape? You made him cry - I won't have it! I won't! How dare you kiss him, sully his mouth with your vile lips? How could you ever think you'd get him for your own? I'd rather kill you than let you hurt him -' To his utter surprise Snape was weeping.  
  
'Shut the fuck up Snivellus! St-stop crying!'  
  
Snape was regarding him with more than the usual loathing as tears rolled down his cheeks, but there was something else there - jealousy? Pity?  
  
'He'll never be yours, Black,' he whispered.  
  
Something inside Sirius snapped. He was about to pull out his wand and - do what? He didn't know - when a poisonous idea crept into his mind.  
  
'Oh Severus, Severus - there's so much about my Remus that you don't know and he'd never tell you. He disappears a lot, wouldn't you say? Haven't you ever wondered where to - why? Of course you have. And, Severus, I'm going to give you a helping hand on how to find out.  
  
'Tonight, go down to the Whomping Willow. Pick up a long stick, use it to poke a knot under the thickest branch. It will stop moving for a few moments. At the base of the tree there is an opening to a tunnel underground. Just follow the tunnel. Remus is as the end of it.'  
  
Snape looked at him with suspicious hatred before running off somewhere. Sirius didn't care. He headed back to find his friend.  
  
He went into the Herbology classroom.  
  
'Re, Remus, what's the matter? It's okay Re.'  
  
He slipped an arm around his trembling friend and hugged him gently, steadfastly ignoring the murmurings of desire that this contact provoked in him. They stayed like that for a long time, Remus slumped in the tall chair and Sirius next to him, holding him as if by his embrace he could squeeze out all the pain and hurt.  
  
'What did he say to you?'  
  
'He said we were the same. he knew things, things I'd never told anyone. How did he know? And he said - God, he said he was - obsessed - with me. With me! And that he wanted to know all about me.'  
  
Sirius's face worse a strange look of satisfaction, but Remus was too shocked to notice. Sirius just held his friend tightly and they sat like that, Remus shaking and Sirius silently holding him, until the bell went for the next lesson.  
  
The rest of the day passed fairly uneventfully. Remus was very quiet and thoughtful, but then he was often was, so nobody apart from Sirius really noticed. Sirius was quiet too, but Peter would never have dared to say anything and James assumed it was to do with his confession the previous night so tactfully avoided commenting on the subject.  
  
At dinner, they sat together as usual but there was none of the usual banter between Sirius and James. No one spoke a lot.  
  
After dinner Remus went up to the dormitory to change into warm robes before going to the infirmary to be escorted to the Whomping Willow by Madam Pomfrey. Unknown to anyone, Severus Snape watched him walk across the school grounds with her from a tower at the front of the castle.  
  
Snape was surprised. He had dismissed Black's mysterious suggestion as yet another prank but as he saw the two figures disappear into the gloom he made up his mind. He had to follow Remus.  
  
Meanwhile Sirius was sitting in the Gryffindor common room with James and Peter, who were chatting about some essay they had been set by Professor Flitwick. Sirius wasn't listening at all. He was curled up like a spring in a big red armchair, staring glassy-eyed at the moon. Peter kept shooting him quizzical looks, which he was oblivious to, but James subtly kept the small chubby boy's attention away from Sirius for the most part. He wouldn't really have known why he was doing that if someone had asked him, but he vaguely felt that now would not be a good time for someone to irritate Sirius.  
  
The time dragged by; the evening to Sirius seemed interminable. He couldn't get Snape's words out of his head, and his vivid imagination was conjuring up possible versions of events to come.  
  
By seven, he couldn't bear it any longer.  
  
'When are we going down?' he asked abruptly.  
  
James and Peter both stared.  
  
'Er - in about an hour it'll be moonrise - so give it three quarters of an hour?' James said.  
  
Sirius nodded brusquely. After a few moments, James started up another conversation with Peter. They talked for a few minutes before Sirius interrupted.  
  
'James, I need to talk to you.'  
  
James's eyes were wide with surprise and his black hair stood up comically.  
  
'Right now?'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
Sirius leaped to his feet like a Bludger being released and all but ran out of the room. James followed a bit more slowly. They went up the stairs and into their dormitory.  
  
Sirius waited for James to come in before he shut the door and leaned against it, readying himself to speak. But before he could begin, James started to talk.  
  
'Sirius, you know I know why you've been acting weird all day. This is about Moony, isn't it? The Moony and Snape thing. But really, I know you have nothing to be jealous of. Moony would never - well, I mean, Snape! God, no!' he laughed.  
  
Sirius looked at him dully.  
  
'It's to do with that Jamie, yeah. But I've done something really stupid. I've told Snape.'  
  
'You told Snape what? What do you - oh God. Sirius. You didn't tell him about - Moony?'  
  
Sirius looked the picture of suffering.  
  
'James, I told him how to get past the willow into the tunnel.'  
  
James opened his mouth to speak before he had fully comprehended what Sirius had said. As the realisation sank in, he went pale. He stood motionless for a second.  
  
'Right, I think we need to get Dumbledore. We're not going to be able to persuade Snape not to go and find Remus - maybe we could Stun him? But no, he could still tell people afterwards. No. We have to get Dumbledore. Come on Sirius, you can explain later.'  
  
He rushed out of the room, pausing only to grab Peter who was nodding sleepily by the common room fire. The three boys were running at full speed down the stairs to the staff area when they suddenly collided with an invisible barrier at the bottom.  
  
James jumped up and looked wildly around for the culprit. He heard cruel laughter and wheeled around. At the tope of the stairs was Lucius Malfoy and a little gang of Slytherins. Snape was conspicuously absent. His magic skills were in demand amongst his fellow house members although they ridiculed him mercilessly behind his back for his many peculiarities.  
  
'For fuck's sake, Malfoy!' James yelled.  
  
'Swearing, Potter?' came a cold voice behind him. There was a tall gaunt man standing there.  
  
'Professor Mondaugen.' James trailed off. Normally he would have been as rude as he liked to the Slytherin housemaster, but he just wanted to get away as quickly as possible. He saw a slow smile spread across Mondaugen's face as the man sensed his urgency and groaned inwardly. The professor looked like a cat about to play with the mice it had caught. He decided to try honesty.  
  
'Please professor, I did swear and you can deduct as many points from me as you like, but I have somewhere I really really need to go and -'  
  
'Oh Potter, really? Well. I don't want to deduct points. I want to give you a detention, I think, right now -'  
  
'Damn it, no! We have to go somewhere!' Sirius shouted. Then his heart sank as James glared at him. Now he'd fallen for Mondaugen's infuriating techniques for getting his least favourite students in trouble.  
  
'Please, Professor, we'll do double detention tomorrow,' James pleaded.  
  
Mondaugen shook his head.  
  
'I think not. And seeing as Mister Black cannot control his impatience either, I think he had better join you.'  
  
Peter looked completely bewildered by the events which were rapidly unfolding before his eyes. He had no idea why he was running: James had told him to and that was enough for him. And now Mondaugen had caught them all and didn't seem prepared to let them go.  
  
'James -' he started but was cut off by Mondaugen's silky tones.  
  
'Ah, Mister Pettigrew. I think that as you three were obviously up to no good, you can join Black and Potter. Come.' He stalked off, away from the staff rooms and Sirius and James followed with Peter dragging his heels at the rear. James was so fidgety and impatient that Peter wondered whether Malfoy had cast the Seven Year Itch hex on him.  
  
'Sirius,' James hissed between his teeth, 'we can't do this; we have to get away. If we don't stop Moony meeting Snape.' he shuddered and then screwed up his forehead, trying to think.  
  
Sirius, meanwhile, had gone almost grey. The true horror of what he might have done had become fully apparent to him. "I could have made Remus a murderer" was almost the only thought in his mind. "He could go to Azkaban." As James agitated beside him, his face became set. He shifted on of his hands to the pocket where he kept his wand.  
  
Mondaugen led the boys down into the dungeons of the castle, to the Ancient Runes classroom where he taught. The room was very dark, lit only by a few flickering torches on the walls. Dust lay thick around them and on the shelves of archaic pieces of parchment which were piled high.  
  
'Right, gentlemen. Your punishment. You must sort all of these rune charts into date order, starting with the most recent. No magic, no talking. And every one you get wrong I will make you translate.'  
  
'Professor Mondaugen,' Sirius began, 'can I do this tomorrow night?'  
  
'No you most certainly may not,' the teacher replied snappishly.  
  
Sirius's arm moved so quickly it was just a black blur. A purple bolt of light shot across the room and hit Mondaugen squarely in the chest. He slumped against the wall he was stood next to before sliding slowly down, unconscious.  
  
Peter was flabbergasted.  
  
'What - what - why?' he stammered. But James and Sirius were already dashing out of the classroom.  
  
James called back over his shoulder, 'Snape knows about Moony - get Dumbledore - Whomping Willow!' They raced away down the corridor and Peter trotted back to the staff area, finally understanding his friends' urgency.  
  
James and Sirius ran straight out of the castle and down the grassy slope towards the Whomping Willow. Night had already fallen and the full moon had risen with austere beauty in the black sky. For a second Sirius though about Remus - how he would have been confused and upset that none of his friends had come for his transformation and how even now a big grey wolf with amber eyes would be clawing and biting at itself in the Shrieking Shack. He gave a dry sob but carried on running.  
  
The two boys finally reached the willow which was flailing its branches wildly. There was no sign of Snape. Sirius and James ground to a halt just outside the willow's range. They looked at it, then at each other.  
  
'Right,' Sirius said as if he was going to say something else, but then stopped. Then without warning he dashed forward amongst the moving branches which battered him angrily. He managed to get to the freezing knot though, and pressed it.  
  
In the split second before the Whomping Willow froze, the tree's largest branch swooped down and hit Sirius viciously across his head. He crumpled and fell as if in slow motion.  
  
'Sirius!' James yelled. He ran over to his friend. He could see he was still breathing and he made an instant decision - he had to leave Sirius lying on the ground beneath the willow and try to find Snape alone.  
  
He found the entrance to the tunnel without difficulty and wriggled down through it. He lit up his wand and found himself in a familiar earth tunnel with roots protruding through the sloping roof and walls. Above him he could hear the Whomping Willow creaking back into action, and some distance away he could hear movements. Then, quite distinctly, he heard a howl. He jumped, and then took to his heels, racing down the tunnel yelling 'Snape!' as loudly as he could.  
  
A shadowy figure hove into his vision and he raced up to Snape, who had turned to see who was shouting his name.  
  
'Potter? What are you doing here?' Snape asked, too shocked to be sarcastic.  
  
'Come on, quick, we have to get out,' James panted.  
  
'Why? I've come here to find Lupin and I'm not going without him,' Snape said stubbornly.  
  
'No really, come on quick, Snape please just listen to me.'  
  
'And why should I do that?' Snape snapped.  
  
He turned and continued walking along the tunnel. Then he froze. There was a shadow moving away down the tunnel.  
  
'A - a dog?' Snape said aloud. He walked a bit further.  
  
James heard Snape's voice though he didn't hear the words in the sound- deadening tunnel. He peered into the gloom and what he saw up ahead made his heart beat wildly. His knees nearly gave way but he knew what he had to do.  
  
'Snape,' he called urgently, 'Snape, it's a werewolf. Remus is a werewolf.'  
  
Snape stopped dead. A million emotions rushed through him and he stood as if bolted to the ground. Then he fell slowly to the ground. James was panicking; he could hear the blood thumping in his ears; he could taste bile. He had to run - but he couldn't leave Snape.  
  
He darted forward and grabbed on of Snape's arms. He pulled it round his shoulder and then, adrenaline coursing through him, pulled both himself and Snape upright. He ran, dragging Snape, along the tunnel. He heard the wolf howl again but he was nearly there - another howl, much closer - he pushed Snape out through the opening and then squeezed out himself, before letting go of his burden and throwing himself dazedly on the ground, half- sobbing with the sudden departure of fear. He'd made it, he'd reached the way out of that underground hell, almost a tomb. 


	3. Conversations and Conclusions

After a couple of seconds, he realised the branches above him were still. He quickly sat bolt upright, making himself giddy, and looked wildly around before relief flooded through him. Professor Dumbledore, with Peter behind him, was standing a few metres away. Both were breathing heavily. Sirius was still lying at the foot of the Willow, and Snape was lying twisted on the ground where James had all but dropped him.  
  
'James?' Dumbledore only said his name, but James knew it was a question. He shook his head.  
  
'Remus didn't get either of us, Professor. He's just a bit - shocked.'  
  
At that, Madam Pomfrey came hurrying across the lawn. She gave a cry at seeing the two prone bodies, and cast a quick glance at Dumbledore.  
  
'No Poppy, not - that,' he said. 'Mister Black has been hit by the Whomping Willow and Mister Snape is a little overwrought.'  
  
He conjured two stretchers out of the air and gently moved Sirius and Snape onto them. Then they all walked up to the castle, Dumbledore first, controlling the two stretchers, then James supported by Madam Pomfrey, and finally Peter.  
  
The two unconscious boys were taken to the Infirmary, and the watchful care of Madam Pomfrey. Peter was sent back to the common room, but instead waited cross-legged in the corridor outside the entrance to Dumbledore's office as James talked to the headmaster.  
  
'James, I would like to thank you. Your courage and quick thinking rescued an otherwise potentially fatal situation. Severus has you to thank for his life. However, I don't suppose you will be expecting any thanks.  
  
'Severus is a very proud boy, James. He hates you, I know you know his, and he envies you too. It was only desperation that conquered his pride enough to make him follow Sirius's instructions - I admit, I do not know why he was so desperate, but I think you do. You do not have to tell me, but be assured, whatever it is, I would not be angry at you or at Severus.  
  
'But then, I think Sirius was driven by desperation to do what he did too - betray a great friend of his. I do not understand why.'  
  
Dumbledore shook his white head and suddenly looked very sad. James was overcome with the desire to confide in him.  
  
'Professor, there has been a bit of - weird stuff - going on in the last few days. Remus told me that, well, that Snape had, er, kissed him. And, um, Sirius told me that, er, he loves Remus. not in a 'friends' way.' James watched Dumbledore warily for his response.  
  
Dumbledore just smiled sadly.  
  
'Love, then. Both love Remus. That makes sense. And Remus - is there anyone he loves do you think - either of those two, or someone else?'  
  
'I don't know, Professor. no, I do, I think. He said he wouldn't be able to, um, do anything with Snape, because he didn't feel the same way, and it seemed to me like he was hiding something.'  
  
'So it is not poor Severus. Ah well, thank you for all your help Mister Potter. I think perhaps I had better talk to Severus and Sirius. Oh, out of curiosity - how did you react to your best friend telling you he was in love with your other best friend?'  
  
James blushed even more than he already was at this casual discussion of his friends' peculiarities. 'I was rude at first - and cruel. Very cruel. But then I went away and thought about - about, well, Lily Evans - and then I realised you can't choose who you fall in love with, and you don't fall in love on purpose. It hurts Sirius so much, I think, and I just felt sorry for him. And I knew it didn't make a difference to us being friends so things are okay now.'  
  
Dumbledore nodded. 'Thank you James. Please don't tell anyone about everything that has been going on tonight, and ask Peter to do the same. You acted maturely and selflessly tonight, and I am very proud of you, and grateful too. So thank you again.'  
  
James left the room quickly and walked to the Gryffindor dormitory where he and Peter sat talking sombrely until late that night.  
  
*****  
  
Dumbledore stood up and squared his shoulders. He knew that had been the easiest part. James Potter was a sensible, well-adjusted, levelheaded boy at heart, just prone to mischief, whereas Sirius and Severus had, it seemed, both had their lives turned upside down by the same person - quiet, well-behaved, polite Remus Lupin. Dumbledore smiled at the thought of the sweet intelligent boy, but then as always his thoughts turned to the horrible burden that Remus bore with such stoicism.  
  
Leaving his office, he walked swiftly towards the Infirmary wing. He looked daunting, his face serious and his black robes swishing about his ankles, but he was simply lost in thought on how best to handle this situation. He knew that there was very little possibility of a good outcome. Severus's wounded pride and thwarted love would not allow it. But how would Sirius be, he wondered.  
  
He reached the Infirmary door and paused momentarily before speaking the password and entering the ward. On one white bed, Severus Snape was lying flat on his back. His eyes were open and staring and he was completely motionless. On seeing Dumbledore, he just stared at him with an expression of hurt, misery and loathing intermingled uncomfortably.  
  
At the other end of the room, Sirius Black was pacing restlessly, muttering angrily. He seemed not to notice Dumbledore until the headmaster walked up to him and laid a calming hand on his shoulder; then he cast a haunted look at him, his black eyes wide and frightened.  
  
At that moment, Madam Pomfrey bustled in.  
  
'Ah, you got him to stop,' she said gratefully to Dumbledore. 'He's just been walking and talking like that ever since we got here and he woke up. I've been worried. And about Severus too. Hasn't moved or said a word. Just looks.'  
  
Dumbledore patted her shoulder.  
  
'Poppy, I'm going to speak to the boys now. Don't worry; I'll take care of them.'  
  
Madam Pomfrey smiled but her concern was clear.  
  
'Be gentle with them, Albus.'  
  
Then she turned and walked briskly from the room.  
  
'Sirius, would you like to sit down? You too, Severus.' He gestured towards three chairs in a triangle next to a blazing lilac fire.  
  
Sirius wordlessly and instantly obeyed. He sat and twisted his fingers nervously, painful to watch. Then he clenched one fist and bit the nails on his other hand distractedly.  
  
Snape, meanwhile, was still lying prone. Dumbledore walked over to him and took his hand kindly.  
  
'Come, Severus, I need to talk to you.'  
  
Then Snape suffered himself to be led to a chair which he perched on the edge of. Dumbledore sat in the third chair. He thought for a moment before speaking.  
  
'Sirius, it was you, was it not, who told Severus how the Whomping Willow could be stilled and the tunnel beneath it found?' Sirius stared at him, his eyes still haunted and huge in his white face. "How alike these boys look," Dumbledore thought briefly before continuing. 'Why did you do this thing?'  
  
'Snape wanted to follow Remus,' he said tonelessly.  
  
'But you surely knew that by telling him this, you would let Remus's secret into the open - and you could have caused serious injury to Severus.'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'So why did you still do it?'  
  
'He made Remus cry. He made him feel - cowardly. And alone. And he told me -' Sirius broke off suddenly.  
  
'What did he tell you, Sirius?'  
  
Sirius closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. In a muffled voice he said, 'He told me that Remus would - that he'd never love me back. I love Remus, Professor Dumbledore. I love him.'  
  
Dumbledore smiled faintly at the intensity and passion in the boy's voice, but then remembered the near tragedy this love had provoked.  
  
'You love Remus - but by doing this you've hurt him, Sirius.'  
  
'I know,' Sirius moaned. His voice was dull with sorrow. 'I just - didn't think. That's not an excuse. There is no excuse. I was - I was jealous of Snape.'  
  
Snape's eyes grew big and he stared at Sirius.  
  
'Remus was jealous of him too. We both felt - weak - and pathetic. Snape made us feel like that. because he was honest to Remus about his feelings about him. But I was - I am - to much of a coward, too scared of Remus's reaction to tell him I love him.'  
  
'That is understandable, Sirius. But Severus. Have you got anything to say about that?'  
  
Severus seemed finally to snap out of his reverie.  
  
'Yes,' he hissed, 'if I'd have known Lupin is - is a monster,' Dumbledore quelled Sirius with one glance, 'then I'd never have fucking loved him. I'd never have fucking kissed him. And Black is a sick bastard, he'd have got his werewolf to murder me. What have a I done to deserve this? What? What? Tell me Black!' he shouted, jumping to his feet. 'Why do you victimise me? Why do you hate me? It's because you were jealous that Lupin and I - we had a connection - a thought that repulses me now. But we did, and you know it! I know things about him that you'll never know. but you're welcome to him. Take him. He's yours. I want nothing more to do with him. He probably knew about this all along! Probably thought it was a funny joke - turn stupid lovefool Snape into the beast he is! You and Potter and Lupin, all in this together!' Then he stopped his vituperative ranting and said softly, venomously, 'You should go to Azkaban for this, Black. You deserve to be in Azkaban. And that - thing - should join you there.'  
  
No calming glance form Dumbledore could stop Sirius from flinging himself on Snape.  
  
'You bastard!' he screamed, 'Remus is worth a million of you, you heartless bastard! How can you call him that?'  
  
'Sirius Black!' Dumbledore thundered.  
  
Sirius let go of Snape and moved away.  
  
'Sirius, you will wait for me outside. I wish to talk to Severus.'  
  
Sirius obeyed wordlessly.  
  
As the door closed, Dumbledore turned to Snape.  
  
'Severus, I need you to promise not to tell the other students about Remus.'  
  
'And if I refuse?'  
  
'Then you will give me no option but to expel you for such wilful lies. I am sorry, Severus. I do not wish to make such threats to you, but I have to protect Remus. None of this is his fault.'  
  
'He was probably in on the joke!'  
  
'No, Severus,' Dumbledore said quickly. 'I am sure he was not. And this was no joke. You've heard Sirius's reasons for acting the way he did. He said himself that there was no excuse, but he had a reason. Severus, I don't know what to say to you, and I fear that no matter what I say, you will punish Remus for something that is not his fault.'  
  
'Professor Dumbledore,' Snape said, his voice trembling and pulsing with emotion, 'Remus Lupin is a danger to people! What if Black decides to murder someone else?'  
  
'Severus, I truly believe that Sirius wasn't trying to kill you, although I understand why it looks that way. But I think he has realised the enormity of what he did now. I think when he talks to Remus he'll realise even more. Being friends with someone - caring for someone - who is a werewolf brings responsibilities. Remus the wolf is not tame - can never be tame.'  
  
'Remus - the wolf,' Snape repeated and shuddered - but from what. Unbeknownst to Dumbledore, at that moment Snape pledged to be the one who would tame the wolf. His love for the werewolf was hidden under fear, misunderstanding and hate, and would remain so, but it drove his main ambition from that day on - to find a way to overcome Lupin's lycanthropia and put Lupin in his debt. But nobody would know for several decades. Snape was secretive by nature, and without Remus had no one to confide in.  
  
Dumbledore looked contemplatively into the fire.  
  
'So I trust you will remain silent?'  
  
'I have no choice, so I shall.'  
  
'Thank you Severus.'  
  
'As I say, I have no choice. Now Professor, if you will excuse me - I have things to do -' Snape said. He stood up, his haughty dignity impeded by the bright tears glistening in his black eyes and his trembling lips.  
  
Dumbledore was moved with pity such as he only felt when visiting Remus after his transformations.  
  
He wanted to beg Severus not to ostracise Lupin, although he knew he would. But he felt as if some momentous choice, some hugely influential event, had subtly altered the course of Severus Snape's life. He feared for him.  
  
Snape stalked out of the room. He tried to ignore the presence of Sirius, but couldn't ignore a beseeching hand tugging at his sleeve.  
  
'Snape, I know you hate me, and I don't care, but don't blame Remus. None of this is his fault. As if he could do anything like this - you know he couldn't. You love him too.'  
  
'I do not love the werewolf, Black. Remus Lupin is someone I don't know at all, that much is plain to me. And yes, I do hate you, but I hate Potter more. He rescued me when I'd rather have died. At least you showed me the truth about Lupin.'  
  
Sirius didn't know what to say. He stood stock still, his hand still clinging pathetically to Snape's sleeve. Snape extricated himself roughly.  
  
'For fuck's sake Black, how blind can you be? Remus doesn't want me because he wants you instead. How can you not see it?'  
  
He took to his heels and fled. The next time Sirius saw him, and every time after that, he was twisted, viciously sardonic. He appeared to despise everyone. Sirius never understood what motivated him towards that last altruistic gesture, but he could never forget it. He could never forgive it either, that he owed so much to Snape.  
  
At that moment in the corridor, though, Sirius had no inkling of anything to come. He only knew that, suddenly, like a little seed being planted or a melody played one-fingered in a piano, at the back of his mind was hope of something huge and beautiful.  
  
He tried to shrug it off as a final sick salute from someone who loathed him beyond words, but couldn't quite. Circumstances from the past rose unbidden in his mind: certain looks exchanged by he and Remus, certain touches, shared jokes. Blushes on Remus's pale cheeks for seemingly no reason. Ambiguous words muttered in Remus's never-quiet sleep. Smiles. Tears. They all rushed over him and he couldn't stop the deluge.  
  
Remus loves him!  
  
Or loved him, he thought suddenly. What have you done, Sirius?  
  
At that moment, the Infirmary door opened and Dumbledore appeared.  
  
'Please come in, Sirius.'  
  
He followed mutely.  
  
They sat down in the chairs they had previously occupied.  
  
'Sirius, I have to tell you now that I think Severus will never forgive you, not only for exposing him to danger but for disillusioning him about Remus. However unfairly, he blames you indirectly for Remus being a werewolf since it was through you that he found out, and realised he didn't know Remus as well as he thought. I'm sure you understand this.  
  
'I'm not going to punish you, Sirius. There's no punishment I can inflict that will be a hundredth, a thousandth, as terrible as your conscience and the knowledge of how you harmed your - friend. You know this. Punishment would be inadequate and, I think, trivial.'  
  
As Dumbledore looked at Sirius, he knew he was right.  
  
'Severus will be keeping Remus's condition to himself, although he did not want to.  
  
'I don't really know what to say to you Sirius. I don't need to tell you of my disappointment and regret. You have hurt Severus deeply, in a different way to that which he could have been hurt, but nonetheless he is devastated.  
  
'I just have one thing to say - well, to ask you. It is this. Tomorrow morning, when Remus is awake, do you wish to tell him what has happened or shall I?'  
  
There was a big pause then, as Sirius's courage did battle with fear and reluctance. He knew that very soon Remus would know things which might change his feelings dramatically. "But you know what you have to do," his subconscious insisted.  
  
'I'll tell him, Professor.'  
  
Dumbledore's face broke into an unexpected smile.  
  
'I thought you would. Courage, Mister Black. This will be difficult beyond anything you have imagined, but perhaps it will change things in ways none of us can see.'  
  
Sirius briefly considered talking to Dumbledore about Snape's parting shot but decided against it. He didn't think he could stand to talk about Remus and love, when in a few short hours he might be destroying anything Remus ever felt for him.  
  
'Thank you Professor,' he said sincerely.  
  
Dumbledore smiled again.  
  
'I feel this is a lesson very well learned. But Sirius -' Sirius looked attentive, 'be patient.'  
  
Sirius smiled, a pale sad echo of his lopsided grin, but a smile anyway. Then he trailed up to the Gryffindor dormitory, where he found James and Peter had tactfully made themselves scarce.  
  
At first his thoughts were filled with imaginings of the horrors that might have been. Sirius had a vivid ad impressionable mind, and he wept helplessly for a while before thinking over the things Snape and Dumbledore had said. Eventually, he allowed himself to think of Remus, and the possibility of him feeling for Sirius what Sirius himself felt for Remus. He'd saved the thought up, like saving the horseradish Every Flavour Beans for last, and now he enjoyed it.  
  
For a while he just imagined scenarios in his head, involving heart to hearts with Remus in which the werewolf got angry, quickly calmed down and then professed undying love and kissed him.  
  
Thoughts of love and kisses soon banished the dark horrors of earlier. With the thought of a wet tongue trailing along his lips, his neck, gentle nibbles and soft butterfly kisses, Sirius got hot and excited.  
  
He felt it was vaguely wrong to feel that way after all that had been going on, but he couldn't help himself. He slid one urgent hand down his stomach and grasped himself firmly, letting out a little moan. As he pleasured himself rhythmically, delicious arousing images flashed in his mind. He came quickly, gasping 'Moony', his mind full of the werewolf.  
  
Sirius woke at dawn the next day. The first tentative fronds of light were creeping through a gap in the curtains and across the wooden floor. He quickly got out of bed, threw on his robes and raced across the school to the Infirmary.  
  
*****  
  
At the Infirmary door, he met Madam Pomfrey escorting a very wan and ill- looking Remus inside.  
  
'Sirius,' Remus rasped. He said no more, but his eyes were full of questions and fear as well as physical pain.  
  
"Of course," Sirius thought, "he must have sensed Snape in the tunnel - ad he knew that Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail weren't there as usual."  
  
His stomach felt heavy with dread. Bile rose in his throat. How was he going to tell Remus that he had betrayed him?  
  
He trailed into the Infirmary after Madam Pomfrey. She gently helped Remus to lie down, covered in the blanket he had been wearing wrapped around himself.  
  
'Remus, pet, I'm going to get some from the other room. I'll be back soon. Call if you need me,' she said, shooting a tender glance at the exhausted werewolf.  
  
As the door shut behind her, Remus tried to sit up. His arms shook wildly as he endeavoured to support himself, but he couldn't manage. Gently Sirius helped him so that he was sitting, leaning against the iron bedstead. Sirius grabbed a pillow off a neighbouring bed and, helping Remus to lean forward, positioned it behind his back so he was more comfortable.  
  
'Thank you,' Remus said politely. Then came silence. Then he said, 'You know who was in the tunnel last night. You know why. Tell me - tell me what happened? I - I didn't - hurt anyone, did I?'  
  
Sirius shook his head slowly. The relief was plain on Remus's pointed pale face. He hated the fact that he was going to have to destroy that relief.  
  
'Re - someone was in the tunnel, you know that I know - it was Snape - and James.'  
  
Remus drew a sharp inward breath.  
  
'Severus? And James?'  
  
'Severus got in, and James went in afterwards to save him.'  
  
'But - how? Why?'  
  
This was it.  
  
'I told him he'd find you there.'  
  
Sirius could feel his body throbbing with his heartbeat. He held his breath.  
  
'You told him I was there? But - why? Did you tell him I was a werewolf?'  
  
'No I didn't. I told him - because I hated him. I didn't think about it, I didn't want him to die - James saved him. But he knows about you, he saw you. Dumbledore's spoken to him, he won't tell anyone.'  
  
Sirius paused. He wanted to apologise, to fling himself sobbing on Remus's lap and his mercy. But he didn't even know where to start. This was too big, too serious for 'sorry'. But he had nothing else.  
  
Remus was staring at him and Sirius felt himself blush.  
  
'Remus, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say - there's nothing I can say. Do you want me to leave?'  
  
Remus ignored his last question.  
  
'I don't understand Sirius. Why did you do it? You can't hate him that much - what has he ever done to you?'  
  
Feeling his self-control suddenly vanish, feeling beyond fear, Sirius looked him in the eye.  
  
'I was jealous because he's braver than I think I can ever be. I was jealous of every second he spent with you. And I was scared because I thought perhaps you loved him after all.'  
  
'What's it to you if I'm in love?' demanded Remus. 'You don't seem to mind James's infatuation with Lily Evans.'  
  
'I'm not in love with James!' Sirius exclaimed. Then he looked horror- struck. 'Shall I go now?' he said in a small voice that was expecting outrage.  
  
Remus nodded dazedly.  
  
'I think it's better if you do.'  
  
Sirius got up and walked out.  
  
Remus Lupin sat very still and analysed Sirius's words very slowly. The facts - Sirius had played on Severus's infatuation with Remus to hurt him and so satisfy his own jealous rage against Severus which was caused by his love for Remus.  
  
Understandably, he found it hard to swallow.  
  
It was easier to dwell on the first bit of Sirius's bombshell. "Severus knows," he thought. "What's he going to say? He's going to think I tried to hurt him. he's going to hate me. it wasn't my fault Severus! It's not my fault that I am what I am - I am what I try to deny."  
  
No amount of self-suppression could stop the wolf that raged constantly inside Remus, only fully escaping once a month. His thin, scarred body contained a vicious battleground upon which boy and wolf fault for dominance. Remus had felt guilty for as long as he could remember, and what he feared most of all had, it seemed, almost come to pass. He had nearly killed someone. If not for James, he would be a murderer.  
  
He started to cry weakly. Relief. Love. Fear. Anger. He was confused and unhappy and all alone, and he didn't want to think any more. He just wanted to be free of his lycanthropia, his fears and his cowardice.  
  
At that timely moment, Dumbledore came in.  
  
'Oh Remus,' he said, his voice full of sympathy and regret. He drew up a chair, handed the weeping werewolf his handkerchief and patted his hand kindly before waiting for the tears to pass.  
  
Eventually they slowed to an occasional hiccup, and Dumbledore started to speak.  
  
'Remus, I imagine Sirius has told you about what happened last night. There is very little for me to say, apart from reassuring you that none of the whole business - Sirius's motivations, or Severus's - was your fault.  
  
'I fear your friendship with Severus will be irrevocably damaged. He is angry, hurt and his pride is wounded. It is hard for someone as proud as Severus to accept that you did not love him back.' Remus gasped and Dumbledore continued, 'yes, I know all of that; James and Sirius and Severus told me everything. Yes, James. He knows about Sirius and Severus's feelings, although no one seems to know about yours.  
  
'Remus, love is love. It is the oldest and deepest form of magic. No matter who you love, no matter how they feel back, love is incredibly powerful. Whether that power is used for good or evil is up to the person. The best love is strong but gentle, kind but firm. It knows how to give and how to receive. It wants to do good. Love is brave. And love is confusing, it is difficult to cope with, it is painful. But still, it is love.'  
  
He smiled calmly. Remus couldn't smile back. He had no idea where this was going.  
  
'Remus, I'm not going to ask you to forgive Sirius. That is entirely up to you. if you wish to talk about any of this - anything at all - then you are very welcome to come to my study. The password is "tooth-flossing stringmints".'  
  
"Everything's got very surreal this morning," thought Remus. He felt numb; too much had happened, he didn't know what to think. And why was Dumbledore going on about love. Did he. know?  
  
Remus was a secretive boy. He loved his best friends but there was a large part of himself that he kept hidden away - not just the wolfish part of him, although he had never tried to explain to anyone what being a werewolf was like - and he preferred to think things over himself rather than confiding. He knew Sirius found this habit of his slightly disconcerting - he would often tease Remus about 'thinking too much'. He wasn't given to rash decision-making, or fiery outbursts of temper, or sudden blurting out of ideas, but he had been stretched to breaking point by things he had been told that morning.  
  
He was filled with a sudden rage against Sirius, Severus - yes, even Dumbledore, sitting there so calmly and understandingly.  
  
'Why the fuck is all this happening?' he asked furiously. Dumbledore winced slightly but otherwise sat still. 'I didn't ask for any of this! Why did Severus have to go and kiss me, for fuck's sake? What the fuck did Sirius think he was fucking doing? I'm so fucking sick of being a danger to everyone I care about!' He broke off panting. He wanted to shout and say 'fuck' some more, but he didn't really know what about.  
  
'That is understandable,' Dumbledore said quietly. 'But everything that has been going on has very little to do with you being a werewolf. Even if you were not, Severus and Sirius would both still be hurt and upset. This is about you, the person, Remus Lupin. Accept, Remus, that those two have both fallen in love with you for you, because of who, and not what, you are. It might feel like a curse, but it's a gift. They both care about you deeply.'  
  
'I don't want it,' Remus said miserably. 'Why me?'  
  
Dumbledore smiled.  
  
'I know you're modest, but still. you're a handsome lad and you're kind, patient funny. It's impossible to explain or justify love, but I'm not surprised they both chose you.'  
  
Remus blushed, hot blood rushing to his head. He was far too embarrassed to say anything. Dumbledore sensed this and, giving him a final kind smile, left the room.  
  
Soon after, Madam Pomfrey came in carrying various bottle and jars. She gently applied healing salve to all Remus's fresh wounds, and made him drink several vile-tasting potions from ornate glass bottles. Then she gave him a glass of water and helped him to lie back down.  
  
He lay with his eyes closed, nothing to do but think. He usually didn't mind being left alone with his thoughts, but today. all he could think, over and over again, was that he had nearly killed someone because of Sirius. He grew angrier and angrier at Sirius. "How dare he use love as an excuse? I have loved him for years. I've suffered jealousy and loneliness in silence. I didn't feel compelled to kill anyone!"  
  
*****  
  
The rational part of his brain reminded him insistently that he always knew he meant more to Sirius than the multitudes of girls who lined up attempting to seduce him, whereas Sirius knew that Severus meant an awful lot to him. The irritating voice of logic also reminded him that Sirius was impulsive and thoughtless by nature, and had just intended to scare Severus ("Probably scared him away," he thought sadly), and that Sirius couldn't really understand what it meant to be a werewolf.  
  
In fact, ever complaint his anger threw up against Sirius was immediately explained away and excused by his logic - or was it simply his logic, or his inclination as well? Remus didn't know, but after about half and hour his anger had burnt itself out and resolved into a desperate need to talk to Sirius.  
  
As he wondered what he would say, he started imagining possible scenarios in his mind. All of them involved kissing. he daydreamed a couple of hours away, just anticipating seeing Sirius. And for the first time in he couldn't remember how long, there was no answering pang of unrequited longing when he thought of Sirius. He knew he felt the same way.  
  
Sirius was denied that luxury. He had run back to the dormitory and closed the curtains round his bed, and given himself up to despair. A little later he heard James and Peter waking up and chatting in a subdued sort of way. Then he heard the door open and close, and then James said 'Sirius?' softly.  
  
On hearing no reply, he poked his untidy black head through the curtains.  
  
'Are you alright?' he asked tentatively.  
  
'I told Remus,' Sirius said dully.  
  
'And.?'  
  
'I accidentally told him, James.'  
  
'Ohh. what did he say?'  
  
'I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He said yeah. So I did.'  
  
'Shit Sirius, I'm sorry.'  
  
'James, I know he loved me, I know it now! But I don't know any more. Severus told me James. Snape told me Remus loved me. And now I've fucked it all up. Why couldn't I just have controlled myself?'  
  
James looked aghast. He had no idea what to say or do, or how to deal with a suffering lovestruck Sirius.  
  
'Are you coming to breakfast?' he managed finally.  
  
'No.'  
  
'Transfiguration?'  
  
'No. I can't. McGonagall knows by now. and I'll have to see Snape. God.'  
  
'Erm. Okay. I'll tell her - something. Don't worry Sirius. I think Remus will forgive you, y'know.'  
  
'maybe.'  
  
James didn't know what to say. He smiled apologetically before withdrawing and getting ready for the day, chatting to Peter when he returned. Then the two boys left the room. Everything was quiet. Sirius sat on his bed and thought.  
  
He thought about Remus. He longed to see him. He got up off his bed and aimlessly wandered around the dormitory before finding himself in Remus's corner. His curtains were closed. Sirius drew them back, found everything was neat and tidy. Remus was a tidy person, but he always left his bed and chest of drawers in immaculate, inhuman order before his transformations.  
  
"As if," thought Sirius with a sudden flash of inspiration, "he tries to exert as much control over things before he loses control over himself."  
  
Sirius sat on the creaseless bed. Then he got up again, shut the curtains and laid full length on the bed, on his front, breathing in the sheer Moonyness of the smell of the pillow. "Even his bed smells of chocolate," he thought, and almost smiled.  
  
He got up again, pulled back the covers, and laid enfolded in the coldness of the bed. It gradually got warmer as his body heat filled it and Sirius slept.  
  
He woke a couple of hours later. He stretched his arms out and folded them sleepily under the pillow -  
  
He was suddenly brought back to wakefulness by the cool roughness of parchment. Without thinking, he pulled it out and smoothed it, before sitting up and reading it.  
  
"Scared to be alone, frightened of the dark, Everything's too much for a boy out of touch With his feelings. I must be to blame, I must be at fault, I believe I'm never good enough o shine a light That lingers.  
  
I have witnessed starbursts in your coal black eyes I am what I try to deny I have seen the serpent coiling, set to strike, And love is your usual disguise.  
  
Pleased to meet you Where you from, and what's your name?  
  
Never came alive, never cut the cord Nothing is too much for a boy out of touch With his feelings. Worshipping the moonshine, skinning up the grapevine I don't have a plan where I'm going, I just Follow my fingers.  
  
I will be the burning man to grace these times, I am what I try to deny I reflect the same eyes looking back at me And love is the only reply.  
  
Pleased to meet you Where you from, and what's your name?  
  
Sirius knew. The starbursts. The black eyes. "Shit, I really shouldn't've read that." But he read it again and again.  
  
'Never good enough to shine a light that lingers?' he said aloud.  
  
He gently replaced the parchment and then for the second time that day, raced down the stairs to the Infirmary. He had to see Remus.  
  
*****  
  
James was worrying about Sirius. Sitting in Tranfiguration, his mind was wandering away from professor McGonagall's painstaking explication of just what it took to turn a thimble into a white mouse. He did, however, notice her repeatedly staring at Severus Snape and dropping her train of thought.  
  
He understood. However hard it had been before to imagine Snape making a declaration of love, it was a thousand times harder now. If before he had seemed cold and distant, now he was frozen as the arctic, and just as forbidding. Impossible to believe that less than 24 hours ago he had told Remus he loved him, and less than 12 hours ago he had gone blindly headfirst into danger to find out where Remus disappeared to every month.  
  
James felt concerned for Snape, though he'd never have admitted it. Something about his demeanour said plainly that love, trust and possibly even happiness were all behind him, and all he could ever hope for was a lifetime of lonely suffering. Even in his worst enemy, James felt more sorry than he could ever have articulated. He felt sorry that everything had happened as it did because he had a feeling that whether or not Sirius and Remus found happiness, Snape never would. It gave him a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.  
  
James wondered what Sirius would say to Remus, and what Remus would do. What would he have done if Sirius had told him that he was in love with him? He was honest enough to admit that the idea made him uncomfortable. but Remus was different. He understood things, understood what it meant to be different. Looked down upon. He wondered briefly what it would look like, Sirius and Remus kissing. And what could two male lovers do? He blushed and, making an effort, concentrated on what McGonagall was saying.  
  
Severus Snape, sitting at the front, was also concentrating. In that long, terrible night, he ad sobbed and raged and screamed in the seclusion of the remote Astronomy tower, and had not slept at all. Now his face was paler than the parchment lying before him. His black eyes were deep wells of unfathomable emotion. His hands shook and he pressed his quill hard to the parchment to stop the letters shaking as he formed them. He took almost obscene care over what he was writing, concentrating unnecessarily hard to drive every other through from his mind.  
  
Professor McGonagall didn't think it was working. Severus reminded her of a stray kitten, perhaps - you ached to comfort him, but he would turn on you and wound you for coming too close because he thought you might be out to hurt him like everyone else. Despite dismissing that idea as fanciful nonsense, it stuck with her, all through the rest of his time at Hogwarts and even when he returned as a teacher.  
  
*****  
  
Sirius raced down the stairs and corridors to the Infirmary. The sight of the door sobered him up sharply.  
  
"Now what exactly am I intending to do?" he thought. Without waiting to answer his own question, he knocked on the door.  
  
'Come in,' in Madam Pomfrey's unmistakable Geordie accent.  
  
He shuffled shyly in, his head down.  
  
'Remus hinny, just shout if you want anything,' she said kindly before heading off into a side-room.  
  
Remus was in a white nightshirt now. He'd clearly just had a bath; his hair was all fluffy and his cheeks were pink. He looked unbearably young and vulnerable. But his voice, when he spoke, seemed incongruously old.  
  
'Why are you here?'  
  
'To see how you are.'  
  
'I'm fine.'  
  
Remus was attempting to comb his hair but his arm shook from exhaustion and eventually he gave up and threw the comb on the floor. "The first irrational angry thing I've ever seen Remus do," thought Sirius.  
  
He bent gracefully and retrieved the comb. Then, ignoring Remus's puzzled looks and defensive body language, he knelt behind him on the bed and sat back on his heels. He laid one long brown hand on the crown of Remus's head and began to gently comb his hair.  
  
'Remus.' he began. Remus stiffened, fearing some mention of all that had been happening.  
  
'I'd've said your hair was brown, y'know. But it's really not. It's more like goldeny coppery browny caramelly blonde. I think.' Then he blushed and stopped.  
  
Remus was laughing.  
  
'You certainly have a way with words, Sirius Black.'  
  
'It's true!' Sirius said, only half-joking.  
  
'Being Sirius, serious?' Remus said wryly.  
  
'Oh, very amusing,' snorted Sirius. Then, softly, 'Now be still and quiet, or I'll hurt you.'  
  
Remus relaxed into the rhythm of Sirius's combing. Drowsily he leaned back against Sirius.  
  
'S'lovely,' he murmured. Sirius smiled. Later, he knew, they would have to thrash over the events of yesterday, but for now they just relaxed, melding into each other, breathing in unison.  
  
Remus vaguely wished he could savour the moment fully but couldn't as his eyes gently closed and he slept, still leaning on Sirius. His breathing was deep and even, and he looked completely peaceful.  
  
Sirius had watched him sleep many times, and he thought happily to himself that he had never seen Remus slumber so quietly, with no outward sign of any inward horrors that plagued him so often in his dreams.  
  
He dropped the comb onto the bed and wriggled himself cautiously into a comfortable position, sitting cross-legged with his back against the bedhead and Remus leaning heavily on him. He laid his cheek against the smooth softness of Remus's head, put two protective arms around him, and closed his eyes.  
  
A few minutes later they flew open again, belying his sleeping appearance, when the door opened. As Dumbledore walked in, Sirius was trying unsuccessfully to extricate himself from Remus whilst not waking him. He was hindered by his robes and by embarrassment which mysteriously stole all his self-possession and natural grace.  
  
'Stop it Sirius - you'll wake him,' Dumbledore said on perceiving his futile efforts. 'I just came in to see how he was - he looks much better. Less pale and drawn. You look better too.'  
  
Sirius smiled, almost shyly.  
  
'We haven't talked properly yet, but I think it's going to be okay.' The smile slid off his face as he continued, 'I know how badly I let him down, but I think he's going to forgive me.'  
  
'I think so too,' Dumbledore said kindly. 'And - any more than okay?'  
  
Sirius went pink.  
  
'Maybe,' he mumbled. He suddenly became uncomfortably aware that his arms were still around Remus's sleeping form. He tightened his grip defensively.  
  
Dumbledore stared at them for a minute before saying, 'I must speak to Poppy, Sirius. I'm glad that things are looking hopefully.'  
  
He turned and left. Sirius stared after him for a few minutes before snuggling in even closer to Remus and falling asleep himself.  
  
When he woke again, it was dark, but after a few sleep-cloyed moments, Sirius realised that it wasn't because it was night. He could see ominous menacing clouds hanging heavily in the sky, blocking out the sun.  
  
He felt Remus move sharply and mutter something.  
  
'Re? You awake?' he asked.  
  
When there was no reply, he felt his heart sink. So Remus was dreaming, and even his presence couldn't stop him. He moved a sleep-creased hand to stroke Remus's hair, but as his touched his tousled head, Remus whipped around. His open eyes were glassy and strangely unfocused.  
  
"He's still asleep," thought Sirius with a thrill of horror and anticipation. What was going to happen? Remus asleep - no reservations or his usual rigid self-control.  
  
'Sirius,' he said in a hoarse voice that was like and yet unlike his usual voice.  
  
'Sirius,' he said again. 'You bastard, Sirius. What did you do all this for? If you'd have just told me. how could I have resisted you? But no. You lost control. What if Severus had died? What if I had killed him? What if I kill you? I can't stop myself, Sirius. I don't think you realise that fully. You have to have the self-control for both of us when I'm the wolf. You have to make sure for me that I don't hurt anyone. I trusted you to do that - how can I any more?'  
  
Sirius couldn't listen to any more. A flash of light filled the room, lightning forking spectactularly outside, as he shook Remus awake.  
  
'I'm sorry,' he sobbed as growls of thunder tried to drown him out. 'You can trust me, you can, I'll never do anything to hurt you Remus.'  
  
Remus was still half-asleep and his guard was down or perhaps he would have moderated his words. He looked Sirius in the eye, and lightning highlighted his strange gold eyes, making them glow fiercely.  
  
'How can I think that now?' he cried despairingly, getting unsteadily off the bed and backing away from Sirius. 'You know what my greatest fear is, and you nearly made it happen!'  
  
'I know,' Sirius said brokenly. Thunder rolled outside and then lightning illuminated his white face. 'I can't make it alright again. If I could go back - I'd do anything - but I can't. You have to decide whether you still want me. I'll wait if you want me to, if you send me away I'll go. Tell me what you want, and I'll do it.'  
  
The storm circled above them, thunder booming after livid white split- second lightning flashes. Rain spattered the window, at first a couple of small drops, but soon a drumming deluge. Gusts of wind blew violently and eerily through small cracks in the wall.  
  
Above this, Sirius could barely hear Remus speak.  
  
'Even if I thought you would do this again, I don't think I could not forgive you. I want to be strong, I want to wait and see before I trust you again, but I already know that I won't wait. You could do this again and I would be just as shocked, just as devastated - Sirius, you could do anything to me and I'll let you and then I'll forgive you.  
  
'I know Severus would say I'm weak, or pathetic, or stupid, or gullible - but I don't think I am. I think - no, I know - I'm in love. With you. I love you. If only I'd told you before -'  
  
'I should have told you, Re. Sn - Severus called me an idiot for not telling you, for not realising. And I have been an idiot. I'm sorry.'  
  
Sirius was still crying, Remus knew, even if he hadn't been able to see his tears rolling down between the intermittent bursts of light.  
  
'Do you - still want me?' he asked eventually.  
  
'Why do you even ask that?' Remus said incredulously.  
  
'Then - will you kiss me?'  
  
Remus felt his heart speed up, blood pound thumping against his throat. He was lightheaded. "This is it," he thought. He felt dazed and strangely numb as he walked forward to the bed where Sirius was still sitting. He sat carefully, cross-legged, facing him, wriggled forward. Took his face between his hands. Leaned forward.  
  
His suspended feelings smashed into him with the force of a tidal wave. He held onto Sirius as though he was a single point of safe calm in a swirling maelstrom of confusion and strange newness. He felt the soft yielding of Sirius's warm mouth, could smell his familiar scent. He tangled his shaking hands in his black hair and just went with the wave. There was no fighting it.  
  
He gave a choked sob.  
  
'Re? What's the matter?' Sirius asked immediately, breaking off the kiss. 'You're shaking.'  
  
'God, Sirius, I've wanted this for so long - I love you so much - I don't know how I can feel like this and carry on living - it's too much - too good -' He dissolved into incoherent sobs.  
  
'Please Re, don't cry like that, it's okay. I love you too, you know that - nothing's too good for you, you deserve to be happy - I'm going to try and make you happy -'  
  
'Ohh, Sirius,' he breathed before kissing him again.  
  
There was everything in the kiss - passion, fear, love, relief, desperation. The two boys clung together, tears falling and mingling as they explored each other and learned a familiar person in an unfamiliar way.  
  
And outside, the clouds blew away, and the sun broke through the grey and filled the room with golden light. 


End file.
